Shizaya – Abridged
by ZS Fan
Summary: In which Shizuo knows Descartes, Izaya knows he's in a fanfic, and the fourth wall is shattered beyond reparation. Shizaya crack. It is just a game after all.


_Hi. Um, so during my break from studies I came up with this. It's really just de-stressing for me and I have no idea what I was thinking haha. There's reference to stuff like MBTI and Descartes and cliches and novel events 'cause I was just writing as I wanted so it isn't to be taken too seriously. I just thought I'd post it for fun. Basically Izaya knows he's in a fanfic and isn't happy about it...~_

_So...Crack. For real this time._

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><p>GAME: START<p>

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><p>It was a nice, peaceful night, and the man in a bartender suit and the guy with dreadlocks were walking side by side, when the former raised his gaze and said.<p>

"I think I'm in love with Izaya."

"Oh yeah how you'd get that idea?"

"No idea, it just popped into my mind, and it's my thought so it's real right? Oh unless my thoughts are implanted by the Deceiver like that what'shisname Desceetes or something said anyway I'm an INTP like that guy, _cogito ergo sum_."

"_What?"_

"I think, therefore I am."

"No what, you think we're in the Matrix or something dude? And what the hell's an INTP?"

"You're INFJ, Tom-san. Wait how did I know that?"

"Er what? You didn't answer my question. Yeah how did you know that? Anyway congratulations man, go confess, have sex and live happily ever after – damn it's really weird speaking this way."

Tom muttered as Shizuo spoke in surprise, "You're not surprised?"

"Oh you just realized that? Your brain must be really slow – wait isn't this Izaya's personality? Can I just stop this already?!"

Tom banged his fists on his head, causing Shizuo to worry, "What's wrong, Tom-san?! Don't tell me! The Deceiver….!"

"Oi, we're not in the Matrix! Though we are in a fanfiction – ow OW OW YOU'RE GONNA CRUSH MY HEADDDDD!"

"DAMN YOU DECEIVER! GET OUT OF TOM-SAN'S HEAD! WHEN I FIND YOU YOU'RE GONNA BE SO DEAD!"

"I'M THE ONE WHO'S GOING TO BE DEEEEEEEEEEAD SHIZUOOO!"

_A few minutes later_

"Owww my head…."

"Sorry! So sorry Tom-san!"

Shizuo was clasping his hands as if in prayer and bowing repeatedly and the sight was so uncharacteristic that it magically drove away all of Tom's pain.

"Hey it doesn't hurt anymore. Weird. I no longer feel like a mini Shizuo is tearing his way out of my skull! Now I can tell you to go confess to Izaya, have sex and live happily ever after – oh wait I said that already."

"The stars are so bright today. Wait why are there only two stars in the sky? They kind of look like Izaya and me… so near, yet so far."

"How can stars look like Izaya and you? It should be clouds, it's night not daytime! Wait not clouds, would clouds be able to form such a complicated shape…?" Tom mused as Shizuo stared dreamily into the night sky. "Oi Shizuo!"

"Huh?"

"Like I said, go confess, have sex and live happily ever after with Izaya – now! I really don't want to say this again!"

"Don't worry Tom-san. Third time's the charm. I suddenly understand, also Tom-san is INFJ so his words are very wise and definitely will come true. I'm going now!"

Shizuo gave a wink and then walked cheerfully off, leaving Tom staring after him.

"Like I said, what the hell is INFJ anyway?! And why do I have this sense of déjà vu even though he hasn't winked like that yet in the anime…?"

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><p>"What a nice, wonderful night. I haven't seen my Shizu-chan all day and I've trolled and ruined the lives of five people on my waiting list. Oh and Namie-san rejected my offer to have sex even though I didn't even ask even though I'm a man alone with a beautiful woman even though I'm asexual and really, my narcissism must be rubbing off on her!"<p>

"What a lovely night. Seeing the kind of man I have to tolerate the presence of makes me miss Seiji even more, and how wonderful, it seems he's finally starting to become delusional, perhaps I can trick him into raising my pay because it's not enough even though his sisters were surprised at how much he paid me and pitied him."

"I heard that, Namie-san. Would you keep your thoughts quiet please?"

"Oh and he just said please. Maybe he really is becoming insane. Or should it be 'sane'?"

"Namie-san, your thoughts are really loud. I can hear them in my head."

"I see. Hey, Izaya."

"Yes my dearest Namie?"

"I hate you."

Izaya smirked and said, "I hate….you….and humans'causeIloveShizu-chan."

"Oh you finally admitted it. Congratulations!"

Namie smiled widely and clapped her hands mockingly. Izaya's eyebrow twitched, "Namie…that's my personality."

"Oh what." Namie's happy expression turned back into a bored look. "So you were just pretending. Well it was fun while it lasted."

"Those words are mine too! Why does everyone have my personality?!"

"'Cause the author writes you the most, duh. It can't be helped."

Namie lifted her hands and gave an Izaya-esque shrug with a smirk. Izaya's other eyebrow twitched.

"Relax. At least Shizuo doesn't have your personality."

"How do you know?"

"'Cause not only is he the main character he also said he's INTP and you're INTJ, obviously your personalities aren't the same."

"INTJ?"

"Oh, there is something the great information broker Orihara Izaya doesn't know?"

Ignoring the statement, Izaya's mouth morphed into a smirk again. "That aside Namie, did you really think I was affected? Not only am I the main character besides that monster, I'm me, Orihara Izaya, no one and nothing can change me!"

"Yes, this is the way I have lived my life all along! Haha! Hahahahaha!"

"…You do know those are words from volume 9 and this is anime setting?"

Izaya's smirk faltered, but he spoke nonchalantly, "No, those aren't words from volume 9 – well they are but they're my words from my thoughts, which I've had before that scene…and why do I know this anyway?"

"So much for not being affected." Namie taunted. "You're breaking the fourth wall too."

"Well Namie," Izaya said, "I think you should go, somehow I can sense Shizu-chan is on the way here and being the woman I spend most of my time with, you're not suitable for a Shizaya scene."

"Oh don't worry," Namie said, already on the way to the door, "I've been waiting for this moment."

"Oh just a little tip," she spoke to Izaya who was banging his head against the table, "If you're actually serious in rejecting him and don't go all tsundere, he might just listen."

"I am not tsundere! Shizu-chan is the tsundere!"

"Shizuo is too honest to be a tsundere – and that's more than I can say for you."

"Whatever, argh get out of my head!"

"And here you were claiming to be IC," Namie said, opening the door to a surprised Shizuo who had been about to knock on it, saying blandly as she brushed past him, "Make sure you fuck him tonight, I've put cameras in his bedroom so I can sell the video to Karisawa Erika whom I'm not even supposed to know. But who cares, I can use the money for Seiji!"

And then Namie suddenly smiled brightly like a girl in love and skipped past a puzzled Shizuo.

"Well," said Izaya, "That actually isn't so OOC. Though the skipping was…" he waved a hand with a sigh, "Anyway Shizu-chan let's get this over with."

"Huh?"

"I know you came here to –" Izaya paused, "Okay fine, I don't know what you came here to do, but you love me right?"

"Yeah," said Shizuo, "I love you." He blinked. "Wait, if you know does that mean you love me too –"

"No I don't love you, and you don't love me, Shizu-chan this isn't real, you actually hate me –"

"No I love you, _cogito ergo sum_. I think I love you, therefore I do."

"Did you just – wait, you did. Shizu-chan, I don't know how you know Descartes, but don't use one of modern philosophy's most famous quotes for something so _dismal._"

Izaya said in near dismay, and Shizuo blinked, then looked dismayed himself in a delayed reaction.

"…You think my love for you is dismal?"

Seeing Shizuo sniff, Izaya jumped on the opportunity, "Yes I think your love for me is absolutely dismal. It's atrocious, disgusting, abdominal, repulsive, revolting, distasteful, nauseating and did I mention disgusting?"

_Sniff._

"I definitely don't love you at all and I'm not being tsundere, because I know myself best and I think not therefore _I am not_. In fact, I hate you very very much, I hate you so much that my hatred is enough for me to overcome the OOCness that is plaguing everyone in this rotten fanfiction, including you since if you were actually IC, you would never even _think_ of loving me, even though you're a beast who can't actually think."

Were Shizuo in a more stable state, he would have responded with 'I can think, and it shows in the novels'. However, he was in a very unstable state, and so he didn't say anything and continued sniffing.

_Sniff_

_Sniff_

Izaya seemed to realize Shizuo was sniffing rather quietly, and he blinked. "Shizu-chan?"

_Sniff._

_SNIFF._

Thinking Shizuo was on the verge of sneezing, Izaya backed rapidly away because he was certain Shizuo's sneeze could send him flying out of his own window.

"Uh, Shizu-chan?"

_SNIFF_

"Hey, don't sneeze here!"

"I…zaya…"

"What…?"

Izaya asked warily. Shizuo sniffed again, and with tears running down his cheeks, started sobbing.

_Eh?_

_Eh?!_

Izaya stared as Shizuo cried his heart out, burying his face in his hands with a wail.

"S-Shizu-chan?!"

"Izayaaa you're so mean!"

"W-What?"

"I didn't even talk to Celty about my feelings because I was so anxious to confess my love for you!"

"Hey…"

"I can't love people because they always get hurt and you're the only one I can't hurt and it makes perfect sense to me that I actually love you and you say it's atrocious, disgusting, abdominal, repulsive, revolting, distasteful, nauseating and disgusting?!"

"Wait you actually remembered all that?"

"Idiot! You're the one I pay attention to the most so of course I remember everything you say!"

"Uh…I'm honoured?"

Izaya said unsurely.

"Why is my flea so mean to me?! He's supposed to be mine so why is he so cruel?! He's supposed to blush, accept my love, says he loves me too, jump into my arms, and we can then live happily ever after like Tom-san said!"

"Oh so this insanity is affecting even Tom-san too. And there goes that rational man. And for the record, I'm not yours, also I'm Orihara Izaya, I don't 'blush' and I would never ever 'jump into your arms'…what do you think this is, a shoujo manga? Am I a girl? Is this a new way to insult me, Shizu-chan?"

Shizuo glared at Izaya and wiped the tears away from his eyes.

"Idiot! Stupid flea! I hate you! I hate you I hate you I HATE YOU!"

Izaya braced himself for the impact but Shizuo whirled and ran away – breaking down his door in the process.

"…."

There was only one thing Izaya could say in the wake of Shizuo's departure.

"…And here I thought at least if it was Shizaya and not Izuo I wouldn't have to make the first move and all subsequent moves."

"…"

Izaya paled in the silence that answered him.

"…..Wait….this _is_ Shizaya right?"

Silence answered him for a second time.

"You mean I'm supposed to go after that brute?! That crybaby beast?!"

Silenced answered him for a third –

"Answer me, damn it!"

His phone vibrated on the table. Izaya walked over and picked it up.

[Since you insist on freedom of will, which I totally agree with by the way, I'll let you choose (since Shizuo is currently…unavailable). Shizaya or Izuo?]

Izaya glared and jabbed his fingers into the screen of his i-phone.

[State the conditions.]

[Yes, Mr Information Broker. Shizaya means Shizuo tops. To put it bluntly, he fucks you. Izuo means Izaya, you, top. Which means you fuck Shizuo.]

[Not that! Conditions as in what am I supposed to do in each situation.]

[Oh? You're telling me I can make you do things now? I thought you were all for freedom of will.]

[Cut the crap, and Tsukumoya if this is you, I swear I'll hunt you down.]

[It can't be Tsukumoya since this is anime setting yes? But he and I are similar, I enjoy writing him. I don't like writing you, by the way. You're always very stubborn. Shizuo is so much better. Anyway conditions huh? Well if it's Shizaya Shizuo will be the one doing the chasing, and you can be as tsundere as you want. You don't have to do anything you don't want to….but if you want to in the moment, then that's not my problem. If Shizuo forces you down that's not my problem either…this is Shizaya (yaoi?) after all. If it's Izuo it's the same, and I decided to make things easier for you, I've turned Shizuo a little OOC so you don't have to plot on how to deter his inhuman strength.]

[A little?! He's very OOC, he can't even be called Heiwajima Shizuo anymore! I'm not dealing with him, you're trying to get me to pick Shizaya aren't you? Freedom of will, really?]

[Hey it's your decision, not mine. You have free will to make a decision, as I've said.]

[You're a very cruel author, you know that?]

[So I've been told by some. I did write Fallen after all. And hey, I never claimed to be kind. :)]

Izaya glared at his phone as if it could burn through beyond the screen.

[Tch. Shizaya – preferably without the fucking. That's disgusting.]

[So without the fucking, it wouldn't be disgusting? Glad to know. Your wish is my command, Iza-chan.]

[Don't call me that. And why am I more towards my novel personality even though this is anime setting?]

[Three reasons. One, because your anime self is up to interpretation and there are too many interpretations so it's easier to use your novel self 'cause I actually want to keep you IC….somewhat. This is a crack fic after all. Two, because I'm too used to writing you in novel setting. And three – can you guess?]

[Because you like my novel self, more.]

[Because your novel self is more human.]

"…Tch." Izaya smirked.

[You know, if you didn't manipulate me like this, we might get along well.]

[Maybe. But honestly, I prefer Shizu-chan. I love his character, and I love his personality. I really would rather spend time with him than you.]

[Ouch, I'm hurt. Another human liking that monster, no wonder you're biased against me.]

[Yup. I'm biased against you. Though it's not as if I've written you doing anything really unbelievable right. But hey, the fandom already loves you so much, don't worry.]

[Jealous?]

[Heh. Nah, just kind of disappointed because Shizuo deserves some love too. As the complex character he is.]

[You're surprisingly honest.]

[There's no reason not to be. Oh Shizuo is coming back.]

[As?]

[Well I don't know. Do you want him to be Seme Shizuo or just Shizuo?]

[I have no idea either. Really, I would rather there to be no Shizuo at all but I don't have that option, do I? Then I guess it's time for me to take a gamble. Just a little game. Since I'm in it with no way out, we might as well make things more interesting, hm?]

[I see. Sure, I'll make the choice then.]

Izaya smirked as he slid his phone into his pocket.

_Yeah. This is just a game._

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><p>This is what happens when I try to write after watching Durarara abridged and reading Descartes' first mediation.<p>

And with remnants of No Game No Life in my head. Combine them all when they're supposed to be a medley and not mix, and you get this. An outrageous symphony.

That's why this is just a game.

Well, I did always want to be the Deceiver.


End file.
